Cartman's Secret
by Claricus
Summary: Cartman had a horrible secret. It could ruin his reputation he'd tried so hard to create—offensive badass. Why was he so horribly anti-Semitic and homophobic? The answer, simply, was that he himself was a gay jew.
1. Chapter 1: Cartman's Secret

_[disclaimer: South Park is not my story, I don't own anything related to it]_

_Chapter One: Cartman's Secret_

Cartman had a horrible secret. It could ruin his reputation he'd tried so hard to create—offensive badass. Why was he so horribly anti-Semitic and homophobic? The answer, simply, was that he himself was a gay jew. He knew he'd be ruined if people found out he was jewish—his constantly ripping on them, his idolization of Hitler—it would all be for nothing if his heritage was discovered. But there was no way to escape it. People would realize soon enough that it was all a big cover up if he kept ripping on them, but if he stopped they'd wonder why too. And what about his sexuality? His first attempt at letting them know he was gay had failed miserably. His quick, pictoral encounters with Butters had made him look stupid and had Butters sent to a gay camp. Funny, but not entirely intentional. He didnt even like Butters that much, he was just the easiest one to dupe, the only one who wouldn't call his actions rape. But maybe thats what it was. The thought of this scared and excited him all at once. He got pleasure from them not knowing what was happening and his voyeuristic tendencies were only getting worse with time. So he brainstormed. What could he do to make them once and for all not think he was a jewish homo? Of course. He would have to trick kyle into being a gayer, jewier jew than he secretly was. But how? How could Kyle be anymore than he already was? Cartman conceded that Kyle was super gay and super jewish, his mom made that pretty obvious. So how could he coax kyle into a super gay situation? And who with? Maybe he could make kyle look gay for stan, they already might as well be. Super best friends his ass.

Cartman's first attempts at making Kyle seem super gay wasn't much of a success. Before school he arrived and stashed some Hasidic gay jewish porn in his locker, making sure it'd fall out when he opened it. With images of naked men plowing into each other, their jew curls and beards bouncing with each thrust, there was no way people wouldn't figure out what it was immediately.

But as Cartman stood next to Kyle as he opened his locker, his plan crumbled. The magazines weren't there. Bewildered, Cartman yelled at Kyle.

"Screw you, Kyle! You fucking Jew queer! I'm going home!"

Kyle, doubly unfazed by this insult and confused at Cartman's random outburst at him only opening his locker, went on with his daily business, eventually closing his locker and going to class.

_What did I do wrong? _Cartman wondered. Where had those magazines gone? He was pretty certain no one had seen him put them in there, and Kyle never got there early enough that Cartman wouldn't have seen him go to it.

Shaken, but determined to win his battle, Cartman went on to implementing his next gay trap. He needed to be very careful in the following days, for if Kyle realized any of Cartman's failed attempts were his, he ran the risk of him making the connection that they were done in an attempt to take the attention off of Cartman. His attempts, of course, only made him seem more suspicious and awkward.

Cartman needed access to Kyle's backpack. When recess was called, he lagged behind, Mr Garrison calling for him to hurry up. Quickly, he grabbed a long tubular object from his backpack and slipped it into Kyle's, quickly sprinting out of the classroom to catch up with the class.

"Hopefully Mom won't miss it..." he muttered to himself as he got outside.

Cartman, inevitably bad at sports, nine times out of ten stood on the court complaining about the game for all of recess. Someone fowled him, another person wasn't playing by the rules—so much red tape was created by him standing on the court that everyone got tired of the game and eventually stopped playing all together.

Mr. Garrison, finally finished checking TMZ for the latest celebrity updates, called the class back in and told them to get out a piece of paper. Kyle opened up his backpack and instead of his notebook falling out, a large black dildo fell out.

"Well gee, Kyle, you sure do got a weird pencil, it doesn't even look like it's got an eraser!" Butters kept rambling while Kyle, surprised and overwhelmed, stuffed it back into his bag.

"What're you boys going on about back there?" said Mr. Garrison.

"Well Kyle's got this weird pencil that he won't show me and I just didn't know how it'd write and he won't tell me neither!"

"Butters, be quiet. Kyle, don't bring weird pencils to class. Now, who remembers what I was saying about the Kardashians?"

"_Curses! You will be found out yet, Kyle!"_ Cartman muttered under his breath, as class went on with only Butters as a witness. Kyle glared at Cartman, hearing his mutterings. He would have accused him outright, but the idea of the entire class knowing a black dildo was in his backpack was enough to keep his mouth shut for the time being.

Later that evening Cartman continued to plot, racking his brains for a foolproof way to prove that once and for all, Kyle was the gayest, most jewiest Jew of them all. Kyle, with his curly ginger hair, Kyle, with his smooth, soft looking skin, Kyle—_no!_ Thought Cartman. No, gingers were gross, nature's blind spot, and he was so Jewish. So money hoarding and annoying. But Cartman couldn't help it. His thoughts suddenly turned to how he could make Kyle happen into a gay situation—with himself. Maybe even in private, where Kyle wouldn't immediately stop him. What would he do though? It's not like Cartman forcing himself on Kyle would make him enjoy it, and therefore be attracted to Cartman. He couldn't force him to like him. He felt desperate and unwanted. He didn't know what to do.

Unless... unless he made Kyle legitimately attracted to him. If Cartman could become his new super best friend, it seemed only logical for the next step to be super gay best friend. But then there was Stan. He already had Kyle's number one position and there was no chance of that changing anytime soon. Cartman could think of only two options. Destroy Stan and Kyle's friendship, or kill Stan. Both seemed equally reasonable in his head, both proved equally difficult tasks. He asked Clyde Frog's opinion, thought it through, and agreed with him. He would have to kill Stan.


	2. Chapter 2: Implement Project Stan

[Sorry for all the delays, and thanks for the great reviews! It's hard to continue writing a story when you're in the studio all day trying to get your work finished for class. It's a little short, but I hope you enjoy~ I've got big and fun plans for the future of this]

_Chapter Two: Implement Project Stan_

Cartman woke up the next morning to clammy, damp sheets. He had wet the bed again.

"Maaaaahm!" he yelled, waiting for his mother to come fix his problem.

"Yes, sweety poopikins?" she yelled on her way to his room from the kitchen. "Oh, did someone wet his bed again?" she cooed.

"Just fix it!" Cartman grunted as he tottered off for his morning shit. Sitting on the toilet in the morning gave him a good amount of time to think, and so Cartman racked his brains trying to think of the best, foolproof way to kill Stan while simultaneously humiliating him. This plan would need careful thought.

Ten minutes later and with no courtesy flush, Cartman went into the kitchen for the large breakfast his mother had cooked him.

"Sweetie, you didn't take anything from Mommy's bedside table drawer yesterday, did you?"

Cartman feigned ignorance. "Why no, Mother, are you missing something?"

"Oh it's okay, Poopikins, I must have misplaced it. It was worn out, anyway, I'll just get a new one."

"A new one of what, Mother?"

"Just eat your breakfast, Dear." She continued to putter around the kitchen, packing Cartman's lunch of a soda, lunchable, cheesy poofs, and cookies.

At the bus stop that day, Cartman tried to act normal while standing next to Kyle, Stan, and Kenny.

"Dude, weird stuff keeps happening to me."

"Like what, dude?" asked Stan.

"Like, gay stuff! I think someone's trying to set me up!"

"Maybe you're just gay," Cartman added. Kenny said something through his muffled hood in and they all laughed.

"Whatever dude, we'll figure out who it is. Don't let it get to you." Stan added after a moment's silence.

They loaded the bus finally and arrived at school after a short bus ride.

"Dude, how come we can walk everywhere in town, yet we always take the bus to school?" Stan commented to Kyle as they walked to class.

"Huh, I dunno." They sat down beside each other in Mr. Garrison's classroom and waited for class to start.

Meanwhile, Cartman started the first phase of alternative plan, Walking over to Wendy, he dropped a note in her backpack without her noticing. Sitting back down, he boredly started his daily routine of imagining food until it would be lunch time.

Soon, Wendy read Cartman's note from Stan to her.

_ "Wendy~ _

_ I think our relationship is really special and so are you and-and I just wanted to say, I love you. _

_ Love,_

_ Stan"_

Later, before recess, Cartman overheard Wendy talking to Stan.

"Stan, you are _so_ sweet! I love you!"

Stan looked surprised for a minute, and threw up.

"Aw gross!" Wendy jumped back, then remembering what this meant she embraced the nauseous Stan. "Our relationship really _is_ special!"

Stan, still bewildered, fumbled out a response. "I-I love you, too, Wendy!" he managed.

Cartman, from the shadows, laughed maniacally to himself.

After school, Kyle asked Stan if he wanted to hang out. Stan responded that he couldn't, because he had already promised Wendy he'd hang out with her all afternoon. Disappointed, Kyle left to go home by himself.

Nearly a week had gone by, and Kyle hadn't seen Stan without Wendy. Feeling lonely, he started to approach Stan, when Cartman intercepted him.

"Hey Kyle, isn't it weird how Stan and Wendy like, only hang out with each other now?"

"Yeah it's really gay, I haven't hung out with him in nearly a week."

"Oh, lame. He is being a total jerk."

"Yeah… you're right. I wanna go talk to him about it, but I don't want to do it in front of Wendy. What should I do?"

Cartman paused to think for a moment before his face lit up. "I know! We could totally make him jealous and by us hanging out all the time and then he'd realize what he was doing, aw, yeah, that'd be such a sweet plan!"

Kyle didn't catch on to Cartman's feigned on-the-spot realization. "Yeah! That could work!" He spouted, and stood there on the playground, watching Stan and Wendy hold hands on the swing set.

Cartman muttered a tiny, "yeess" and then got Kyle's attention again. "So do you, like, want to come over to my house after school then?"

"Eh, maybe Fatass. But he won't see that."

"Ey! I am _NOT FAT!_"

"Don't get your panties in a wad. I'm going to play basketball." And with that, Kyle left Cartman, while Cartman stood there wondering if befriending Kyle as a mode of revenge would actually create a lasting relationship. He decided that he really didn't care, and continued on with his plan.


End file.
